So I had to come on and release. My son who is 4 has autism. He had another one of his meltdowns 1 hr ago, they are getting so bad to the point I don’t even know how to control it anymore. He is so strong and I am not being dramatic. He may be 4 but not your average 4 year old boy. He is built of a 8 year old kid with more muscle tone than most. I feel every time I try to confide in someone with this matter, it’s always pointless and I am left feeling worthless, I understand it’s not about me, it’s about my son, but I am not healthy right now. I am sick. I haven’t slept right in months. Hardly eat and just can’t find anything that makes me happy. I am beginning to push away the only lil friends I have left and what’s even more sad, I don’t care anymore. I have nothing left. Not only my son, it’s everything around me right now. I feel like most are so selfish. there are a select few I can honestly say are sincere, but then you have those who only act as if they care just so they can hurry up and talk, they don’t really listen to you, they’re just waiting for their turn to run at the mouth about how bad they have it, making it seem like your problems are shit compare to theirs. It is pathetic when you have to be that way. Why do people feel the need to always compare problems, there is no comparisons, it is what it is. Everyone suffers differently. I’m not in your shoes, just like you’re not in mine. So when you belittle my problems, I will put you in your place. There are some who do complain about petty shit though, like a bad hair day, or weight gain etc. Things that can be fixed. Autism is forever, that can not be changed. Some parents, teens etc who have Autism or have relatives with Autism may say otherwise and judge me for my opinions on the matter but I really do not care. I hate that my son has Autism. I wish I can take it out of him. I hate watching him on a daily basis struggling to get out words and cry out in tantrums because it’s not coming out. It is sad for me, I just hold back my tears and guide him to try but it just frustrates him more. We been through the OT’s and PT’s. He been to behavioral therapists and nothing seems to work. I feel like I am doing more work than these people who get paid to do this are. I tried everything, my fiance and I have tried and keep trying and we have no luck. I am just lost right now and just don’t know anymore..
I also forgot to add, I have a 3 year old daughter as well, though not Autistic, I love them both exactly the same, my son just needs a little more attention. I am a stay at home mom who is still learning as much as I can. I am constantly doing research and looking for answers on many things, I don’t just sit at home with a thumb up my ass. I also want to make clear that I shouldn’t have to feel bad for my opinion of wishing he didn’t have Autism. It’s hard not being able to hear your own child speak, it’s not easy trying to find out what could be wrong when he is upset. I also wish I can know what he is laughing about when he starts laughing for no cause. He is a happy kid. I guess that’s all that should matter. I never show my son my emotions on the matter. I show him nothing but my love. He tries though and I praise him for his effort. Sorry I didn’t mention them things before. But this is me. I am not trying to offend anyone. I just long for the day when he’ll say “I love you mommy” though I know he does, just by the look in his big beautiful brown eyes.
Depression is dwelling on the past Anxiety is dreading the future
I agree that it is living in the now, it spoke to me in the form of, I always dwell on the past. Depression never exactly leaves. It’s something that can’t be easily dismissed, so I understand the comments about it being always there.
I am usually up front and speak my mind, but damn I done caught this person in numerous lies this month and it’s just pushing me away…don’t know If I should just speak my mind or just let it go until I am fully pushed away. I’m also seeing a lot of fake shit too lately…..damn, sucks cause I never thought this day would come. Now I am just gonna observe more to make sure I am not being delusional, because my anxiety and mind has a fucked up way of making me think crazy.